i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
