best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dear god my vagina.
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