The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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