I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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