I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
