So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
