$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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