I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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