You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?