so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI