Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
