Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
