Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
