You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
