I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
