the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
