Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
