I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
