he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
