Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
