I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
