he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
