my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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