On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
