I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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