My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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