Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
