she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
