My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
pop tarts are not kleenex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
