I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
