party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
