you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
