Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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