I checked into jail on foursquare
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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