I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
