My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
