I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
