community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
