Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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