sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
