shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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