I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
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