I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
