i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
