Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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