I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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