I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
