I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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