Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
