can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
did i walk over a car last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Randomize
