im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
