I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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