What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
