I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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