On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
