I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
