Your face is a jimmy john
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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