So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
