His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
