hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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